goodness it's so dark now so early. it really is fall now and maybe i've gone in to hibernation mode, but all i want to do is sleep. so i do. but sometimes i can't even sleep so i just lie in my bed. which is actually the biggest waste of time in the whole world. but i do it anyways because it's so nice just to let my mind drift.

i'm so glad i came to the northeast for school. i am so glad i am not close to home, because i find that small radius so small and constricting. and i thought i wanted to go to school in california, but i've found that i really like the semi-pretentious, intellectual, preppiness of the northeast. not that i am any of those things per se. what i mean is, i look out on the quad from my window, and it looks like this picture perfect collegiate experience, and i get this little thrill...i'm here. this is my home for the next four years.

i had kind of gotten used to it. but then a friend came to visit from virginia. and i showed him around, and i got to see yale again from an outsider's perspective, and it reminded me again how lucky i am to be here.

some happy moments of the last couple of weeks.

a couple of weeks ago, i had a drunken breakdown crying session which then led to this very nice heart to heart with a couple of people in my entryway. and it was very carthatic. it is not that i am in any way unhappy here. but it's hard to be transplanted here and be expected to grow new roots.

other nice thing, i met a very nice boy who lets me have my way. he humors me, so we do things like lay on a hammock for hours on friday night, and as a result, i missed out on a full halloween experience. but it was worth it. yesterday night we went to a party together, and today we went out to brunch together. on wednesday, he wants to take me out to dinner. and i am looking forward to it. i like him. he is very preppy in those funny patchwork shorts, and i told him he looks like he is going to play golf all of the time. but i am neutral about his shorts. what i do like, though, is the fact that he is very smart and very funny. on friday he was trying to explain to me something about poker and percentages which went completely over my head, but it was very cute the way he kept insisting that poker is actually very easy and how he offered to teach me. anyway that's that.

i came home from bulldog days and i went to prom. i clicked the button today. i'm going to yale this fall. which is a blank slate. maybe i will change my name. i don't like my name. it makes me think of old fat white women.

i don't actually have any neurotic tendencies because that would probably require a far more hyperactive brain than i currently have. instead my brain moves slowly, obliviously, and is inexplicably porous.

like at the airport when i yelled "timothy, timothy, come sit with us!" and timothy walks over and says "my name is albert. i met you last night. you're wendy wang from st. louis."

i wonder if they fixed the hammock that i and 5 other coconspirators broke under our collective weight of approximately 750 pounds.

anyway, i think yale is going to give me an inferiority complex. the first thing i noticed when i got there was how OLD all of the buildings are. which surprised me somehow, despite the fact that yale has been around since 1701. which was before america was a country btw. and then the second thing i noticed is that the general population is significantly better looking, smarter, more interesting, and more charismatic than the general population.

my only consolation is that next year i can sit in on classes about literature and read about love.

i came back for p-r-o-m...which is what you would expect it to be. jake sloan is very very tall.

lastly, i would like to note that after an entire week of socializing and mingling, i have discovered the exhaustion of the public life. which isn't to say it's not fun. but to always be meeting people, smiling, saying hello, shaking hands (when did i become old enough to shake hands?), talking, being constantly switched on.

i would like some quiet now.

i suffer from ennui because i have nothing exciting or dazzling to look forward to. or maybe there are too many things to look forward to so i just want to pause for some quiet time.

bulldog days...prom...end of year...graduation...china...college?

a long string of days that i can't muster up any excitement for right now.